Love

How can you see love? I used to think Danny adored me. I guess as time went on I saw different sides of him but I truly believed that deep down he loved me so so much. Then yesterday I find out that he was seein people almost immediately after we separated. Six years with one person and then one day they just decide they don't love you anymore. I'm beginning to think that he really didn't love me and at no fault of his I think he believed he did love me. But I think that he doesn't know real love. Real love doesn't go away in one day and real love is mutual. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone who can really love me. How will I ever heal this broken heart?

Mixed Emotions

I'm just so mad right now! What can I do to get revenge is all I keep thinking. I wanna do something to really make the both of them especially her realize how wrong what they are doing really is. I just still can't believe he defended her. Why would I expect any different? I mean for all I know they have probably been together a year by now. Maybe more, they are both liars and cheaters anyways. What can I do without stooping to thier level. I guess just be happier than they ever will be. I don't know. Hmm.... Just lots of mixed emotions going on and I can't seem to get them down. I am a smart beautiful woman and I just want to find someone to appreciate that and give me the respect I deserve!! Is that so much to ask!!

Fat Lazy Bitch Speaking

So last night I get on myspace and start lookin at my homepage to see whats new with everybody and what do I see? Katie has added a new song: Boom I Got Your Boyfriend. Oh and Katie has posted a new blog letting all of our friends know that my marraige was a big joke. Just what I need right before court and right before Thanksgiving. How can women be so catty. Women should band together against men like Danny. And all he had to say was that I was a fat lazy bitch anyways and I sucked. Wow. What ever made me think he loved me? Oh ya thats right he said it. More and more lies I'm realizing each day. To them they are doing nothing wrong and maybe they aren't because they obviously deserve each other. I can't wait till the first time she steps out of line. I hope they beat the shit out of each other. All I have to say is my son better not see any of that! Supposively that is the reason we are no longer together, so that Lucas didn't have to see the fighting. If I find out about any arguments I will see to it that he doesn't see his son until she is gone! Take that you fat lazy whore! Rather be a bitch than a whore any day!!!

Thanksgiving-Lessons You Learn

This past year has been the hardest year of my life. Granted, I'm only 23 years old but life experience has made me feel older. Thanksgiving is coming up and I am tired. Thanksgiving is the day that my husband called it quits. Holidays are not good days to make life changing decisions. First of all, everyone is stressed to the max going around visiting family and working around schedules. Second its a day that you will never forget. There are commercials, sales and big family occassions that are a constant reminder a month before it even gets here. I think it hit me this weekend and I missed him so much. I can't put a finger on what I missed I just miss the little things. The kisses, the big bear hugs that keep you so warm inside and out, tucking my feet under his to get them warm at night, sharing every detail about the day and laughing at our clumsiness. Of course I don't miss the fighting and feeling like I had no worth which he reminded me of so often. I guess the things I listed you could find in someone else. Its just a waiting game. Waiting to find someone you can share those same feelings with. Waiting to find someone who adores you the way you adore them. Mutual love. Does one person in a relationship always love more than the other? How do you know what standards to keep and which to let go. Which standards are shallow or petty? I had a date Friday night. He was a very sweet guy, but a total nerd. He had some gaps in his teeth and his package was bulging out of his pants the whole time. I can't deal with that!!! Danny was so tough on the outside. So manly and strong, but on the inside he shared his feelings with me and I knew how he felt about me and everything. In the beginning anyways, I ruined him with the childish and immature things I did soon after we got married. I almost lost everything then. Why couldn't I just realize what I had when I had it. Anyways, in the spirit of Thanksgiving I am gonna do a little flip flop in thinking. So this year I have said I have had the worst year ever. I lost my husband, my family, a job, my grandma, my grandpa, my life as I knew it. I'm gonna look at it this way now: This year my husband left, the one who called me a stupid bitch on a daily basis. I have a beautiful son. Because I had to move in with my parents and I lost the daycare job I got to spend every day with my grandma before she passed. I got to eat breakfast and lunch with her, take naps with her and was reminded every day of her love. Because I lost the daycare job I found a wonderful job with great benefits in a time where many are jobless. I have a beautiful home to live in with my son. I have a car. So for all these things I am thankful.

Back to the pesimist in me, fuck Thanksgiving! I'm stayin in bed all day with my phone turned off! I think I can have one day to mope!! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

What I Cannot Change

I heard this song the other day and it touched me because these feelings are so real. These are words we can all take in and learn to live by.

"What I Cannot Change"I know what makes me comfortableI know what makes me tickAnd when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thickCream and sugar in my coffeeRight away when I awakeI face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakesOh the rest is out of my handsI will learn to let go what I cannot changeI will learn to forgive what I cannot changeI will learn to love what I cannot changeBut I will change, I will changeWhatever I, whenever I canI don't know my FatherOr my Mother well enoughSeems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuffThe pain is self inflictedI know it's not good for my healthBut it's easier to please the world than it is to please myselfOh the rest is out of my handsI will learn to let go what I cannot changeI will learn to forgive what I cannot changeI will learn to love what I cannot changeBut I will change, I will changeWhatever I, whenever I canRight now I can't care about how everyone else will feelI have enough hurt of my own to healI will learn to let go what I cannot changeI will learn to forgive what I cannot changeI will learn to love what I cannot changeBut I will change, I will changeWhatever I, whenever I can

Types of Friends

So I guess in life there are categories of friends. There are your best friends that are just a select few that you couldn't go a day without talking to. The ones who pick you up when your down and carry you when your really down and they laugh with you when you literally fall down. There are the friends that you talk to every once in a while but you definitely love as a sister or brother. You talk once a week or so just to check in but they always keep a place in your heart. They are the back up when your bestie is a lil busy with the new man and they are always fun to be around. There are those friends you see every weekend at the same ole country bar that make your time there a lil sweeter. They always have a good ear in when your tipsy and ramblin. They probably know more about your life than your own mother. Then there are the friends that maybe you could cross the line with but always hold off, but you definitely keep em thinkin. So next we have those used to be friends, the ones you really just can't believe. The ones who broke your heart and made you cry. You'll always have the memories that your forced to leave behind.

I have learned that good, and I mean really truly good, friends are few and far between. It's not how many friends you have, it's about having one person or if your lucky a couple, that knows you inside out. They know when to laugh at you, when to cry with you and when to tell you to justfuck em and move on!! LOL Grandma! No matter what type of friend you are to me know I love you and I'll always be here for you!

Spoken Like a True WHORE!

"Yes were together, I can't help that things change. But we do respect that your still married." Ok, that is the funniest, sluttiest thing I think I've ever heard. If you are sleeping with a married man you don't tell that to the woman he is still legally married to. I just needed to share that with the world. It's about as funny as when Danny said "Nobody's done anything to you, Allison." Let's see I can think of a few things. Thanksgiving you tore apart my family and my heart. Then you started seeing my best friend. Oh don't forget which in turn caused me to lose my job! Now you want my baby! But wait let's not forget, nobody's done anything to get me down! LOL! Cheers to liars, whores and homewreckers!!